Dating dilemmas: An unforgettable 1st date

Everybody done with cupid? Good. Coz Valentines week is over, Valentine’s Day has past and things are a-changing.  February 15^th, that is today, is Thanks-for-the-lovely-week-let’s-now-get-back-from-loving-unconditionally-to-just-liking-the-appropriate-amount day. Oh yeah, it’s a thing.

I sound like such a forever-alone cynic who’s never ever been on a real date, right? Well then, you’re wrong. I’m not a part of some anti-love brigade. I just think love doesn’t need a reason to be special. Real love, if it is, isn’t just limited to the 24 hours of 14^th February every year. In fact, like a beautiful rose, its fragrance spreads everywhere, seeps into each day of our lives till eternity. That’s what love is. But then, why so much hype about the V day? Simple, consumerism & commercialization, V day is the perfect excuse for letting yourself go in the name of love. People can take a leap of faith and confess their feelings to the special someone. Love is a war, but in this week, from 7^th to 14^th February, the war becomes somewhat little less difficult.

A guy meets a gal, they connect, and they go on a first date. If it works out, then they go on more dates and then, after a considerable amount of time (which is how it’s supposed to be, listen up y’all MTV wanna be rapper generation) they take it to the next step. That’s how great relationships are born. If we take a test statistic, the main determinant of the successfulness of a relationship is pretty much the first date. Yes, the first dates, they are the best thing possibly a new relation has to offer. Everyone remembers their first date, no matter how well or bad it went. The first dates of every relationship are stored in the persistent storage area of one’s brain, True story.

Now, since the moment your eyes scanned the word “first date” and relayed it to your brain, you may be having some memories pop up in your head, memories specific to the first dates you’ve been to. Some of you may be reliving the best time of your relationships in your head, whereas some of you may have been haunted by the mere thought of it. Am I right, or am I right?

Speaking of bad, terrible, haunting first date memories let me tell you about my own personal experience. It’s a given fact that I’ve been in relationships before, which means I’ve been on more than one first dates before. Not all dates have been awesome or good, but this one date, which happened just about two months back, was a real shocker.

It all began last year. After I graduated from college I moved to Chandigarh with my parents. As I had a lot of free time on my hands so I decided to catch up with my old friends from school & various camps I had attended back in college. This girl, Anushka (name changed, for obvious reasons) was with me in my ethical hacking workshop, and as fate would have it, was in Chandigarh after a month or so too. So we thought we’d meet up then. Then with the daily texting & calls, we came close and she seemed like a nice girl. Then after sometime, I casually asked her out on a date. She was glad about it and said she was thinking the same.

Now let me paint a word picture about how Anushka looks. She’s like a cross between Kiera Knightley & Deepika Padukone, honestly. She had a fair height, of about 5 feet, but she always wore 3 inch heels.

She has a pretty fair complexion, a cute smile with dimpled cheeks. And the funny thing is she smiles every 30 seconds, without fail. She has pretty big eyes compared to her petite frame, and she applies the traditional kaajal. I won’t lie to you; she’s goddamn beautiful and has a sweet voice. Now, if she’s so beautiful, then how could’ve it been such a bad date? I’ll tell you how. Read on.

We agreed to meet at the peddler’s café in sector 35, Chandigarh. I got there right on time, just to learn that she was running late. Now it’s considered to be bad manners if you order something before your company arrives, so I just sat there. Thankfully the place had a live band, and they happened to be playing one of my favorite songs of all time, ‘Can’t Buy me Love’ by the Beatles. I was humming along with the band when she walked in. She was wearing a pink sweater with pretty long sleeves. I couldn’t help but think that it belonged to her elder sister. Then there were these pretty tight black jeans with some sort of high top boots. I’m pretty sure her legs were getting pretty asphyxiated in those jeans. But hey it’s her choice!

For the sake of clarity and better understanding I’ll write the dialogues in a script like manner.

Anushka: Hey! Sorry I’m late *she erupts into a dimpled smile, pretty hard to get mad at that*
Me: No problem at all, come sit *I got up and held her seat*
Anushka: Ooh, a gentleman! Nice!
Me: I aim to please. *Then we exchanged a few smiles* So, what would you like?
Anushka: Well just a coffee black, no sugar. I am on a diet, wanna shed some extra kilos.
(I let out a small laugh, but then I found out that she was serious)
Me: You serious? I mean why you need dieting, you look fit, breathtakingly gorgeous indeed.
(Of course she looked fit! I mean she’s just 45 kilos, she’ll be nothing but a stick figure if she goes on a diet)
Anushka: No please! I’m so fat! *Then she looked down in disdain*
Me: Okay, but black coffee will be real bitter without sugar.
Anushka: It’s okay, I’m used to it.
Me: Fair then, coffee black without sugar it is. (I ordered a black, sugarless coffee for her and a cappuccino for myself)

Me: So, how’s life treating you?
Anushka: Well you know it’s pretty hard actually. There’s no job scene anywhere. I think I’ll do an MBA. What about you? I heard that you got placed. Infocon, right?
Me: Yes I did. It’s Infosys.
Anushka: Infosys? That’s like in Noida, right?
Me: I don’t think so.
Anushka: No it is. It’s in sector 62. That’s where other small software companies are. What’s your package?
Me: The usual, 3.25.
Anushka: That’s too much! Did they make you a CEO or what?! *She was shocked*
Me: Ha-ha, no. Systems engineer.
Anushka: Then how could they give such a package yaar? These Noida companies give only 15 grand per month at max!
Me: Are we talking about the same Infosys?
Anushka: I think so! Don’t you think it’s strange for a new company to be giving out such a huge package? *You could tell from her eyes that she was in utter disbelief*
Me: Honey Infosys isn’t new. It’s been around for like quite a few decades now.
Anushka: It has? Oh, then what is it doing in Noida? Shouldn’t it move to some bigger office like in Bangalore?
Me: *My first reaction was honestly “Are you f-ing kidding me?” But then, I composed myself* Gee I don’t know. Maybe the thought hasn’t crossed their mind.

What kind of a girl who is an engineering graduate doesn’t know about the Infosys?! Its only one of the biggest Indian MNCs of the whole world! Thankfully the coffee came and this job topic came to an end. I thought of having a more personal conversation with her, you know, get to know her better.

Me: So, what are your hobbies?
Anushka: Well I’m a pretty simple girl. Just give me my iPhone with data connection & sms pack and I’ll keep myself occupied.
Me: Ya, that’s all so simple *Sarcasm evident in my tone*
Anushka: *Smiling* I know right! By the way I also like dancing and movies.
Me: Ya I’ve seen your videos. You are a pretty amazing dancer.
Anushka: OMG! You’ve seen my videos? How embarrassing! They are so not good at all!
Me: Really? Then why post them on YouTube? *Sarcasm again, still she either couldn’t sense it or I was doing it wrong*
Anushka: I don’t know involuntary thought.
Me: (That’s a good one, “Involuntary thought”) Okay. So, Hollywood movies or Bollywood?
Anushka: Bollywood mostly. Hollywood movies don’t make any sense to me.
Me: That’s funny, I have the opposite case.
Anushka: Are you kidding? Bollywood movies are so romantic! I just love Shahrukh Khan! On the other hand Hollywood movies are just senseless. For example, look at those Harry Potter movies.
(I literally was about to spit out my coffee)
Me: I’m sorry, what? Harry potter?
Anushka: Ya. It just isn’t believable. Too much to take in, makes me dizzy.
Me: Well some would say that it was a legendary movie series. But what the hell, two sides to every argument, right?
Anushka: Right. You know what would’ve worked? Werewolves. They should’ve introduced werewolves in it.
Me: Well in all fairness there were werewolves in it. Have you read the third book?
Anushka: Ya I have, the prisoner of Afghanistan. It sucks.
Me: I’m sorry I didn’t get you? Prisoner of what? (Oh god my ears will bleed!)
Anushka: Afghanistan, why? Haven’t you read it?
Me: If you are talking about a documentary on Bin Laden’s life, then no, I haven’t. In harry potter it was the prisoner of Azkaban.
Anushka:  *Laughs hysterically* Azkaban? What’s that?
Me: It’s sort of a wizard prison.
Anushka: See?! Its things like this that make Harry potter so damn stupid. Twilight on the other hand is so much more awesome.
Me: Twilight? Awesome? Have they mixed something in your coffee?
Anushka: Ha-ha. Very funny. Speaking of which, can you give me a sip of your coffee?
Me: Uh, yeah sure. Go ahead. *She took a sip from my coffee*
Anushka: Umm, yeah. This is so delicious. Mine sucks! Can I drink yours instead?
Me: But mine has sugar.
Anushka: No worries, I can make my peace with that.
Me: (Now where’s her dieting?) Okay, no problem. *I took her coffee and added sugar into it. There’s no way in hell I’m drinking a sugarless black coffee*
Anushka: So, yeah, twilight. I mean that’s so romantic! Edward is so cute and Jacob is so hot!
Me: I beg to differ here. That romance is necrophilia.
Anushka: That’s what makes it so special!
Me: Really? *Sarcasm*
Anushka: Ya. I wanna be a vampire too!
Me: You do know that vampires don’t just sparkle in the sun? They explode & die.
Anushka: Shut up.
Me: Don’t believe me? Go see Van Helsing.
Anushka: I have. Hugh Jackman is so hot. Trust me; Twilight is much better than Harry potter.

First she took my coffee, and now this. Even Al-Qaeda isn’t that torturous. And it’s just half an hour into this date.
The band then started playing ‘Where did you sleep last night?’ By Nirvana, this seemed to lift my spirits a bit.

Anushka: You seem to be enjoying the song.
Me: Ya actually. It’s one of my favorites.
Anushka: That I guessed from the look in your eyes.
Me: *Thank god for some normalcy in her* You know you have a real pretty smile.
Anushka: *Smiling* Thank you!
Me: So, who’s your favorite artist? And if you say Justin Bieber or One Direction, I won’t pay the bill.
Anushka: *Laughing at my lame joke* Oh then I’m sorry, but your wallet isn’t spared. I don’t like them.
Me: Oh thank god!
Anushka: My favorite band is the Glee.
Me: Glee? That Darren Criss one?
Anushka: Exactly! *Smiling again*
(Thank god she has such a pretty face and a heartwarming smile. If she were a guy I’d have hit her with a chair till now)
Me: Cool.
Anushka: This song is sung by Nirvana, right?
Me: Correct! 10 points to the gorgeous lady in the pink sweater.
Anushka: Ah you make me blush *she smiles again* What are the other songs sung by this Nirvana guy?
Me: Actually Nirvana isn’t a guy, it’s a band actually. And they don’t make songs anymore.
Anushka: Why is that?
Me: Because their front man, Kurt Cobain shot himself many years ago. He’s dead. He was a legend.
Anushka: *Laughing* Wow that’s a good one.
Me: I’m serious.
Anushka: LOL! Kurt Cobain isn’t dead. I see him every time on glee!
Me: What? *I really was shocked* Kurt Cobain? On Glee?
Anushka: He’s the one who plays the gay dude. The one with Darren!
Me: Oh man! You can’t be serious!
Anushka: Why? He’s the one!
Me: *Few moments of silence* Yes you are right. I couldn’t recognize him, my bad. Sorry.
Anushka: Told you. By the way this cappuccino is delicious.
Me: Glad you like it.
Anushka: I heard you write blogs.
Me: I dabble, just random stuff.
Anushka: I must check it out sometimes (I really hope she doesn’t see this!)
Me: Sure do *Smiles exchanged*
Anushka: You must read a lot of books then?
Me: I do, it’s a hobby.
Anushka: That’s a great hobby. I too do that.
Me: Really? That’s cool!
Anushka: Which one are you reading nowadays?
Me: Winner stands alone by Paulo Coelho. What About you?
Anushka: Paulo Coelho? sounds good. I haven’t read his works. Nowadays I’m really enjoying the fifty shades of grey by E.L James.
Me: Fifty shades? Of grey?
Anushka: Yes! I’m reading it for the third time. I love it!
Me: That’s just porn.
Anushka: Yes but look at the love story!
Me: What love story? There’s no love story! It’s just spanking!
Anushka: Yes but it is romantic!

I looked at her with utter disbelief and she stood her ground. I was just hoping for some miracle to get me out of this date. I prayed to god in my head to please, please help me and he replied, in the form of a phone call. It was from my dad, he wants the car back for some work.

Me: I’m sorry but I’ve to go now.
Anushka: Ya sure, no problem. Let’s go.
Me: Where shall I drop you?
Anushka: We are staying here only; it’s just 5 minutes’ walk.
Me: Oh thank god!
Anushka: What?
Me: Nothing. Pleasure to meet you.
Anushka: Same here. Let’s do this again.
Me: *Are you f-king kidding me?* Sure! I’ll call you! Bye now!

And thus, ended by far, the worst first date I’ve ever been on. I hope you see what I’m trying to show you here.